X Factor Monster

Hey there, sit back, put your feet up and listen to the wondrous tales of Le Monster's exploits behind the scenes at the X Factor. What are they really like? What happens backstage? Are they bitchy to each other?

Hold up people, first things first. Let's start at the top. I entered the studios early in the morning and quickly located the restaurant area like any good bodybuilder would. As I was leaving I was stopped by a pretty girl who asked me if I was the "Muscle Man." I smiled charmingly and said

"Yes, I am. Who are you?"

"I'm Sarah from the band Same Difference"

"Oh, that's nice" I said, still not knowing who the hell she was. I guess I'm not as clued up as I should be as I don't usually watch the X Factor and now I find myself in the middle of it!

My next port of call was the make up room where I met the dinner lady singer Niki. Again, I didn't have a clue who she was or what she did, just that she was someone who was getting her make up applied.

I'm pretty happy that I wasn't aware of anyone there as I didn't have any pre-conceptions or ideas about who these people were. I think some of them were taken aback a little as they weren't used to someone who didn't care if they were in the room or not. They say power corrupts, and believe you me, to some people it does. To others, the innocence and wonder is still there and that is what I adored in the band I was put with, Same Difference.

They were the brother/sister group of Shaun and Sarah, two lovely star struck kids who still appreciated everything that was being done for them. Sarah was lovely and genuinely warm. Shaun was eager to please and very aware of the thoughts and feelings of others. They were easily my favourites and I was very happy to be working with them.

I'm not gonna say a bad word about anyone, so if I don't like them, tough. My next favourite was Leon. He was nice enough to inform me that he wouldn't be taking off his top as he didn't want to embarrass me. I think that was mighty noble of him.

I met a lot of really cool people in all the departments, the runners, the make up artists, the floor manager. I can hear you saying "Bugger all that, what were the judges like?"

Well, to be honest they spent most of their time in their dressing rooms until it was time to go on air. But I did "bump" into them in the corridor and a few words were spoken.

Simon said nodded to me and said "Alright mate."

Sharon looked at my manly breasts and said "I'm not even going to ask"

Louis looked on and Dannii was absolutely adorable. I can't remember what she said or if she said anything to me at all. All I remember is how her low cut dress and high heeled calves put a major strain on my wardrobe department! The lycra in the loin cloth was close to breaking point, I almost had her eye out!

Me Tarzan, you Jane. Let's make Cheetah! Oh if only, dream on Robster, dream on!!!

Well I got a call from my wonderful editor Alex Mac who asked if they were gonna be allowing me to wear my costume. (The infamous one I wore at the Stars show).

Apparently he hadn't had a decent night's sleep since seeing me in that outfit as it brought back childhood memories of King Kong, I think. But that's another story.

The very best compliment I got for the day was from Simon's Bodyguard, Big Tony. His hands are the size of shovels and he looks like he could probably kill me with just a glare. He's like a human pitbull who you really don't want to get on the wrong side of as you know it'll be the last thing you ever do! That man is a star in his own right. He stands around 6ft 2 and weighs around 20 plus stone. He said in not too many words:

"F*?!'me, look at the size of those arms!"

Now that, is a compliment!

A good friend of mine in South Africa texted me the other day. He's the WPF Mr Universe. He wanted to let me know I was getting completely trashed by wannabes on the net. I wrote back and told him that these guys will never look like you or me so don't worry what they say cos they're just talkers, sticks and stones baby!

I was chatting to another good friend of mine who won the intermediates section at the stars last year. He said that he was having all sorts of problems with people saying he shouldn't have been doing the intermediate section. He pointed out to me that he had never qualified for the British in the heavyweight section and that he was giving up at least four stone to other guys in the heavyweight class. (A note to our Judges, shouldn't we have a Super Heavyweight Class which has been adopted by the NPC in the US?) That sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

He's never competed at that weight and he's never qualified for the British at that weight. That makes him an intermediate. Read the rules people and stop disrespecting those of us who have the balls to go up on stage against the best of the best. These critics are the internet or armchair bodybuilders, the sad little people who will never step foot on a stage or if they have, will do about as much damage as Julian Clary on Batista! These are the people with the bodies of prepubescent choirboys with the balls to match!

Put your money where your mouth is people and get those fat asses on that stage or shut the hell up and stop dissin' those of us that do!

Peace

Le Monster