Robster Le Monster

Time once again to listen to the mind of an unhinged, drug abusing, fat oriental who thinks he knows what bodybuilding is all about. Leave your brain behind and welcome to the lobotomising articles of Robster Le Monster.

I'm generally a fun kind of guy. If someone comes up to me with a straight question then I like to give them a little something in return. A tubby guy came up to me and asked "Are your arms that big cos you pump them full of steroids?" 'That's a fair question' I thought to myself, so I answered "Is your belly that fat cos you pump it full of steroids?"

I was out shopping in a department store the other day, waiting for the girl, happily looking through the bra and panty aisle as many of us do testosterone driven freaks tend to do. A cute young sales assistant came up to me with a smile, obviously being a little bit sarcastic and said "Can I help you with anything sir?" "Yeah" I said "Could you try these on for me cos I don't know what they look like on." Needless to say she left me alone after that!

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?

Cowboy hats are for ass holes!

I'm one of the few bodybuilders who doesn't eat eggs or drink milk. My mother in all her glorious wisdom fed me eggs at an early age which gave me an allergic reaction. When other bodybuilder's ask me how many eggs I eat a day I simply say.

"I'm guessing you love and know your other half? Would you eat their period? Then why the hell would you eat a period of a chicken you don't even know!?"

Hey, you lot must be thinking I'm one sick Mofo. How come you're calling me sick? I ain't the one eating something that comes out of a chicken's vagina!

What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?

A police horse!

There I was, minding my own business training hard at the gym. Some tall guy comes up to me obviously feeling a little insecure and says "I reckon you ain't that big everywhere. I bet your dick ain't as big as mine"

"You're probably right" I said "but mine's closer to the floor!"

Warning: Sexist Joke

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

In a queue lining up for food in a café, I see about half a dozen cute girls on a table not too far away from me. The guns were out in full force and I'm feeling like a stallion on heat. They smile and start giggling. I smile back and wink. Then I turn around to see this drag queen waving to them. Whoops! How the hell could I compete with that?!

The young guy on the checkout at the supermarket saw my forearms and commented on how large they were. I smiled and told him I was probably the biggest wanker on the planet. The poor kid probably quit his job and is sitting at home at his computer with calluses on his hands wondering when his forearms are gonna grow. Moral of the story, never trust the advice of a wanker!

What do women and police cars have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming!

If you wanna scare people try out this story on them, the next time someone comes up to you and asks how long it takes to get that big, say "Not long, about five years of hard training. Prison food ain't that bad. I just wish I hadn't strangled that guy with my bare hands. But it's okay, I've learnt my lesson now, I've learnt never to over react when some bloke keeps asking you stupid questions." The bloke walked briskly away from me, turned the corner and ran!

Warning: Sexist Joke

Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?

So when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor!

I recently did a really cool guest spot for Wabba UK in Northern Ireland. The people there were warm, genuine and friendly and had a real love for bodybuilding. I had been given a couple of weeks to diet and was holding more water than 20 old grannies! Luckily they didn't seem to mind too much as I managed to mesmerise them with my pendulating stomach and the high amounts of alcohol on sale at the event!

It was great to sit on the other side of the fence. I was asked recently to judge at the Wabba show in Northern Ireland. When the ladies came on it was my job to look over them a few more times just to make sure I got the right result. (No, not a hard on!) I could feel the girlfriend's eyes digging a hole through the back of my skull. It might have possibly contributed to our argument, especially when I went backstage and had a photo with them. One sitting on each bicep! But I can't be 100% sure!

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

I found out that I had been accused of plagiarism from another bodybuilding magazine by a guy who pulls stuff out of his arms. I think he's got things confused on both fronts. I believe the idea was to put stuff in and as for me copying him, I'm quite sure I'd prefer to toss over pictures of octogenarians! Lock up your grannies, the Monster's back!

I saw this magazine the other day. It had loads of extra large women on it and I was so tempted to buy it. I had to keep re-assuring myself that my arms were still bigger than theirs, but who am I trying to kid. I just like looking at large breasted females who have the ability to kill me by asphyxiation. I just have to get one to sit on my face with the excuse of helping me with my pressing technique. What a way to go! Hey we've all thought about it!

I must apologise for my extremely high levels of testosterone which make me wake up with my head 6 inches above my pillow when I'm sleeping on my front! You might think this is showing off, but I can now do zero handed press ups!

Thanks for listening once again to my utter bollocks. I bet you can't for the next edition. I'm so excited I wet my underwear which is pretty impressive as it's about five feet away on the floor!

See ya next time

Remember I'll be watching

Robster Le Monster