Le Monster's Observations Part Trois

Welcome back to the demented mind numbing articles from Robster Le Monster

Hello Boys and Girls. It's Monster time again!

Ain't it just the greatest thing to be eating normal food again. I finished dieting and managed to put on 3 stone in two weeks! I became a giant crapping machine which waddled like a duck and breathed like Darth Vader having an orgasm!

My face became a large puffball which enhanced my oriental appearance by the complete disappearance of my eye balls into slits which looked like they had been slashed by Zorro himself! I kept trying to convince myself that I could still see my Abs if I squinted and sucked in my huge waistline which only resulted in me running off to the toilet for another number two!

There are some good things out of all of this, I can now wear Granny's slippers and wonder where my ankles have gone! I'm skidding up my pants so much I have to continuously ask for new pairs for Christmas!

But I am finally back to Monster Status!

Now that's what I'm talkin' bout!

I'd like to give a warm thanks to those long suffering spouses who have to put up with our mood swings, paranoia of being small, our stinky washing, funny smelling proteinaceous body sweat, bad breath, bitchiness, extremes of sex drive, shaving, feeding and lastly being completely ignored at shows. I cannot thank you all enough for all the bullshit that we put you through. You are Angels and without your love & support we couldn't be the Heroes & Heroines that you allow us to be. If it wasn't for you we'd all be a just another bunch of tossers. Who am I trying to kid, I know I am!

Some of us have just started dieting again. As soon as I started to see my abs I decided to have a party to celebrate their return. Sadly, no sooner had they come out, did they disappear again under five slices of chocolate party cake and ice cream!

Here's a tough one guys, I have a great chest but my girl has a fantastic cleavage, so much so that when I asked a young lad who's chest he would prefer, his little brain went into overload and he legged it like he'd been caught with his pants down! When I caught up to him I said, "If you're a good boy and you get a chest like mine, then you can get a chest like hers!"

How much calcium can you get from a breast?

Enough to grow a Bone!

Let's talk about Piles. Those huge growths which emanate from the lower regions of space. I find that if you move them into the correct position, you can fake having the largest cod piece on that stage!

A good friend of mine was complaining to me about his piles giving him hassle during the carbing up phase. To try and cheer him up, I mentioned that one tough dieting year I had gone to the GP as they had grown to the size of a large melon. He felt much better when I told him I had to bend over in full view of the workmen doing the patio and expose my three cheeks for the whole world to laugh and point at!

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Give it a nipple.

I was at a social gathering and showing off my articles to my so called adoring fans. One of the ladies turned to me after reading a story and said, "You think you're so good and everyone fancies you and you're better than everyone else. If you think you're so good what do you have that other guys don't?" trying not to rise to the bait I answered. "Width my dear, width!"

Why don't little girls fart?

Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Well thank you for reading my utter drivel, I hope it amused you enough to consider circumcision. If not, I'll be back in the next issue with even more stories to make you think about ending it all by overdosing on laxatives!

Robster Le Monster