This column is aimed at other competing bodybuilders, wannabe bodybuilders or people who want to know how it really feels living day to day as top UK amateur bodybuilder. I hope it brings much needed light hearted joy at a time of heavy dieting and training.

Le Monster's Observations

Have you ever noticed that there is always someone looking at you while you are training? Is it just me or am I going mad? And why is it only the gym idiots who have the guts to come up and annoy you during your training sessions?

Don't you just love it when some insecure guys get on the train or bus with their girl and will do anything and everything in their power to stop their girls from checking you out? I find it most amusing as they put their arms over the poor girls shoulder or continually try to hold the lady's attention with pointless conversation, just anything to stop these girls from checking out your bod!

I guess the most amusing part to all of this is that we're so tired from the diet and training we couldn't give a monkeys even if they were Pamela Anderson!

Have you ever seen those guys walking down the road suffering from ILS. This is a severe disorder which affects many wannabe bodybuilders. The full term for this disorder is Imaginary Lat Syndrome. It occurs when the individual in question believes they have a huge pair of lats and happily walks down the road extending the arms away from the torso in the belief that they cannot lower their arms as their lats will not allow them to! I bet you know someone with this disorder?

Why is it that most girls will say to their man that they find big, huge, muscular guys repulsive and a turn off, yet slyly check you out in the gym when their man turns away, wondering if you're big everywhere and what you're doing at the weekend!

Do you watch Star Trek? Have you noticed that you seem to be attracting many Klingons around Uranus?

When in competition condition, have you noticed that everyone stares at you in the changing rooms. It's almost like we need another changing room, Males, Females and Massively cut guys who are fed up with being stared at! I don't usually find it a problem until one guy gets ten of his mates to come watch me pull my pants up!

Be careful what you wish for cos you might just get it? Like it or not people look to us for inspiration. A father was happily training with his son and told me his son wanted to be just like me. I thought that was a nice compliment until he said his son had taken up extremely loud belching! I must stress that it happens involuntary when I train at high intensity and as I have done it for so many years I didn't even think twice about it! Oops Sorry!

Remember that we are ambassadors for our sport and that fame is fleeting. I learnt that lesson all too well when I competed at the 2003 British Grand Prix. I walked out to the trade stands and some guy runs up to me with his friend dying to take my picture. I felt quite proud of myself till he said, that's number 11, I want a picture with number 11! He didn't even know my name or care!

I must let you in on my "cheating". There is no hiding from my arse. I could lie to all day and swear I never cheated, I'd swear I never touched that ice cream or those biscuits but my arse knows different. When I'm dieting, any time I eat simple refined sugars, my butt decides to add to my guilty conscience by producing odours more commonly found in sewage plants. I need to attach a Bio-hazard marker to my radio-active butt!

Guys, do you notice how much more attention you get from women whilst dieting? It's Sod's Law. It's like waiting for a bus. You may have to wait ages for one then five come along in a row! Then as the competition looms to a week away any sexual inclinations you once had disappear. So you look fantastic but haven't got the energy to maintain a smile let alone anything else!

I was once propositioned by a pretty woman whilst heavily dieting. I told her that if she didn't have a pizza between her legs then I wasn't interested!

I've decided to gain an advantage this year by hiring someone's granny who bakes fantastic cookies and let her work her magic backstage on my other competitors. I figured no-one could say No to home baked cookies or this tyrant of a woman who force feeds anyone who gets within 5 yards of her!

I wish all of you luck in the upcoming epic struggle for the domination of British Titles.

Robster Le Monster